NOTE BEFORE READING: I’ve been going through a hard time, emotionally, mentally, but chose to suffer alone. That was my choice (up until yesterday), and, I’ll admit, was not smart. I’m not fully out of the woods yet, but can see thin cracks of light up ahead, for sure. The shadows are beginning to lift, and thank God for it. I must say, I learned a hard lesson in this. My wife, Laura, and I have been together for 35 years, yet my recent struggles seemed too much for me to talk about, even with her. I didn’t know where to start because I didn’t know exactly what was wrong, other than, mentally, I was not doing well. Finally, however, I told her, and as always, she didn’t even balk; she hugged and kissed me, prayed with me and said, “We’ll get through this. I love you. I don’t know what’s wrong, but we’ll figure it out, sweetie.” I also didn’t reach out to friends, but I know I have a few VERY CLOSE friends I could’ve reached out to if I wanted. If you’re struggling with these feelings of darkness, like you’re literally losing your mind, please don’t keep it to yourself! Reach out to someone, even if all they can do is let you talk, and then give you a hug. Sometimes that’s enough. One day at a time. Choose love, seek God’s help and guidance, and you WILL  make it. I promise.

DATE WRITTEN: Recently
TIME: 2:48 A.M.

I’m not ok, God. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m helpless and hopeless before you. I’m scared, Lord, because I feel my mental capabilities slipping.

Like melted butter in a blistering, cast-iron skillet. Like a bloody, white grip on a craggy precipice, I’m slipping! And I feel I can’t tell anyone about it; my family will be terrified and helpless, for sure.

Lord, you know the issues which haunt me; I don’t have to reiterate them to You.

I’m drowning here, God. Freaking drowning. I have nowhere to turn except to You. All I know is I love and trust You. That’s it. That’s all I know at this point.

I can talk to Laura, I know, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. God bless her, she worries about me so, but this is too much. Where do I start, when I don’t even know what’s wrong?

It really sickens me how life seems to progress normally for everyone else, yet here I am, dying inside. The nights rage on, the sun burns hot, yet all I wanna do is get outta here. I don’t wanna be here anymore. This is the thing nobody talks about. It just happens, you feel you’re all alone, you decide not to be here anymore and then everyone stands around and cries afterward, saying, “We never knew!”

I’m not to that point, but I can see the edge from here. I understand now how those people feel, but the world is moving at such a frantic pace, you feel there’s nobody to talk to.

I can’t just walk up to someone and say, “Hey, guess what’s happening in my head?” They’d think I was nuts.

Laughter surrounds me daily, and I wonder what’s wrong with me that I can’t laugh so easily.  I watch smiles crawl through so effortlessly, and ask myself why mine doesn’t.

Please help me, Jesus.

Please. I have nothing left, nowhere to go, nothing else to do.

Please.

THE NEXT MORNING:

This morning, I had the presence of mind to do a Google search for “Bible verses about peace.” I’ve copied and pasted them below, for both me and my friend reading this. I KNOW I’m not alone in my struggles, God. I feel a breath of fresh air gently blowing through my spirit, and that’s a beautiful thing.

Also, thank You for giving me the strength to tell my wife how I’m feeling. Her tight hug, her prayers for me, her love, all fill me with hope. What a blessing. She doesn’t even know what’s wrong, but has vowed to help me through it. I shall never keep anything from her again, even if I don’t understand it. Even if a part of me thinks she’ll go running, screaming in the other direction. I know she never will.

I know I could’ve told her the whole time, but how do you tell your lover, your best friend you’re going crazy, but have no idea why? The conversation goes:

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

“How can I help?”

“I don’t know.”

YEESH! And people wonder why we never tell anyone! What do we say? “The cheese is slipping off my cracker, but I don’t know why or how and I have no clue what you can do to help me.” Thus, we keep it a secret, Lord. That’s why we feel alone, but we’re not.

We’re never alone.

Just yesterday, in speaking with my friend Rusty Sparks, lead singer for the band From These Ruins, he said, “If I’m not taking care of my spiritual health I notice my mental health severely suffers. So what to do? Do not neglect my spiritual health, i.e. prayer, reading Scripture and spending time with God. To others feeling like this, I would say, do not bottle it up! Reach out. Sometimes when things are too dark for us to find our way it’s good to have a brother or sister take us by the hand and help us find the way.”

Well said, brother. I’ve not slept well, and my vacation last month threw off my morning prayer schedule. I left my mind open for attack and guess what?

I know many others feel the same way. They feel encumbered by darkness, almost smothered by it. When I mention my feelings, people step out of murky shadows and respond, “I know this feeling all too well.”

Give us the strength to endure, Jesus. May Your words bring us the peace we so desperately long for. Here are the list of Scriptures I found, and thank You for them:

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

“The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.” Psalm 29:11

 “He will keep in perfect peace all those who trust in Him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord!” Isaiah 26:3

“Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33b

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.” Psalm 4:8

“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.” Jude 1:2

Let your peace flow through me, like a mountain stream, God.

Amen.