I purposely didn’t surf the Bible Gateway website for a scripture today because I want to speak from my heart. I don’t want to appear as if I have this all figured out.
In short, I want to bear my soul as a chronic pain and depression sufferer and not as a Christian writer giving life advice.
My pain level has greatly improved over the last year, but I still fight the demon of depression. For decades I’ve watched helplessly as the dark clouds of oppression rolled into the landscape of my spirit, helpless to stop them.
The last few months, though, I’ve not wanted to even leave the house. I want to hide in my little country cottage, away from the spirit-debilitating world. I want to turn the lights out and retreat into the shadows.
I haven’t even wanted to go to family functions. I don’t know why, but I just want to go hide in a cave until summer.
I love my family and I don’t mind my job, but my longing to rest in the semi-darkness sometimes outweighs everything. I feel better when I pray, and listen to uplifting music, but the shadows continue to beckon me join their predictable and overbearing solitude.
If you’re part of my family or (TINY) circle of friends, please let me apologize, and beg you to not take it personal. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me, to be honest. I love and miss you.
I’m writing about this in hopes to find a little clarity, and maybe let others know they’re not alone. We want life to never stray out of our little bubble, where the lights are turned low, and it’s quiet and peaceful.
My wife and son told me they were worried about me, which surprised me. I guess I didn’t realize how severe the problem had become. I don’t want to go anywhere except to visit my kids and grandkids. I don’t join in parties at work and I don’t seek out friends to go to the movies.
In a world where I’m more connected than ever to friends and family the world over, I’ve never felt more alone. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Social media seems to have been designed to bring the world together, yet we’ve never been more distant from each other.
So how do we “fix” ourselves?
Well, first of all, I’m not a fan of the “F” word. We’re not an appliance, so trying to “fix” our problems is not the right way to look at it.
Maybe I should ask, how do we cope with the situation? How do we get better?
Keep fighting the longing to slink back into the shadows. For example, last week I seen a movie with my family. I did the “Secret Santa” gift exchange at work last month, and I even recently went to church on Sunday night for the first time in years.
Just because something IS doesn’t mean it HAS TO BE.
Make a list of ways you can crawl out from the darkness. Only you know the best way to do that, but let me reassure you that you are NOT alone. Let’s fight this demon together. The only way we’re going to beat it is if we stick together.
As for me, I’ll busy myself trying to crawl OUT of this 30-year shadow, even though the devil will fight me. I’m just praying, “Lord, swallow me in Your light. Drown me in it so it chases away all the darkness in my spirit, to where it explodes from my every pore. Increase my joy to the point that even the demons of Hell will dread my waking up in the morning.” I feel fully confident God will honor this desire.
Ok, enough honesty for one day. Love ya, and prayin’ for ya, as always!