I’m gonna be straight up, brutally honest here, because I highly value you as a reader, and I think you deserve the truth.
Some days, even as a Christian, even knowing I’m going to Heaven when I die, even knowing God has my present and future in His more-than-capable hands, I still get frustrated. Tired.
I’ve written about “tired” before. That’s the word which comes to mind the most these days.
“How ya doin’, Rob?”
“I’m fricken tired, man.”
I know for me a lot of it is being stuck in the same job for a decade. Prior to this position (which I highly value and appreciate, by the way), I’d never worked any job for more than three years. In a previous job, I once had a better opportunity arise, and told a co-worker I was leaving because my feet were falling asleep.
“Ha, just your feet?” he laughed. “I’m asleep from my brain all the way down, brother. I’m paralyzed.”
I didn’t get what he meant, but I do now.
Maybe I’m not spiritual enough. Perhaps the thought of Heaven should fill me with unspeakable joy, all the time, every day. I think the Devil is encasing this entire planet in dark clouds of despair, and I’m caught right in the middle.
Perhaps you can relate, I don’t know.
Oh, this despair or depression or WHATEVER always passes. I know that. But while I’m in it, God help me, it sucks. I know the Lord loves me and I know my soul is secure in His warm embrace, but this dark cloud, man, it just won’t leave some days. I see the same thing on the faces of some of my friends and family. I don’t know how I can be a follower of Christ and still have this sickness in my spirit some days. Again, maybe I’m just flat-out not spiritual enough, I don’t know.
If that’s the case, don’t think less of me. I’m just busy trying to figure out this thing called “life,” same as everyone else.
This being said, however, I was going through some Facebook pics on my lunch hour today, and found myself smiling. Not just a small grin, but a wide, full-on, TEETH-revealing smile. It was then that a thought suddenly hit me:
My family won’t remember how much money I made, or didn’t, as the case may be. They won’t remember my “days of despair” or my longing for something new and different. I don’t remember that stuff about MY grandparents. Oh, I know what they did for a living, but what really sticks out in my mind are the vacations, the family dinners, the all-night-50’s-monster-movie marathons, the laughter, the reunions, the hugs, the tears.
My grandson doesn’t give a hang if I had a bad day at work. When he sees me walk in, I’m not “Rob, The Disillusioned,” or “Rob, The Tired.”
No, man, I’m…
And that fills me with joy. So, I guess the point of these ramblings is, when you have nothing else, go spend time with the person who loves you the most.
In my youth, someone once said I need to spend more time with God when these feelings try and best me. I told him I was feeling down, and his response? “Have you read your Bible lately?” I’m a believer, but c’mon, that’s not practical advice! I try, but some days it still hurts, ya know? YES, I pray. YES, I read my Bible. YES, I go to church. But the enemy of our soul is doing everything he can to bring us down. So when that happens, seek out those who lift your spirits. Don’t get lost in the dark clouds.
As for me, I’m gonna go hang out with my grandson and new, beautiful, granddaughter.
Blessings, my friend.