When You’ve Tasted Death

“I’ve been to the edge
And there I stood and looked down
You know I lost a lot of friends there baby
I got no time to mess around” *
Van Halen, 1978

One of the very first blogs I ever wrote was called “God’s Heart Beats Fierce for the Loser.” I believe this, and not only am I living proof, but most of my family and friends are as well.

Many of you have probably read the following, showing how God can use the “screw ups” to build His Kingdom:

Noah got drunk.
Abraham lied about his wife.
Sarah laughed at God.
Jacob was a deceiver.
Leah was unattractive and unwanted.
Joseph was in prison.
Moses murdered an Egyptian.
Rahab was a hooker.
Job lost his entire family and all his possessions.
Gideon was fearful.
Jephthah made a foolish vow.
Samson had serious problems with lust and anger.
Eli failed as a father.
David was an adulterer and a murderer.
Solomon married foreign wives who turned his heart toward idolatry.
Elijah struggled with depression.
Jonah ran away from God.
Mary Magdalene was demon possessed.
Peter denied Christ.
Lazarus died.

My list would be the following:

I rebelled hard against God, eventually attempting suicide.
My mom fought her way back from an eating disorder.
My daughter survived a drug addiction.
My son nearly killed himself in middle school.
My son-in-law suffers severe anxiety, and conquered a substance abuse problem.
My sister survived not only a drug addiction, but an abusive relationship that nearly killed her.
My friend Christy also suffered an abusive relationship, and the loss of her son.
My cousin Rick and his wife Lisa survived losing both their teenage sons within nine months of each other. Rick was in prison on a drug charge at the time.
My Uncle Aaron, who recently passed away at the age of 59, was a drug addict and alcoholic for nearly 40 years before finally surrendering his life to Christ.
My friend Michelle has suffered many physical struggles and a broken marriage.
My buddy Dave made it through a drug problem and homelessness.
My cousin Dennis nearly died in the late 90s, and is a survivor of eight back surgeries and a list of physical infirmities too long to mention. And even though he’s only in his late 50s, he has outlived most of his siblings.

And on and on it goes. I can’t really think of any of my family or friends who are the stereotypical “happy Christian,” with a calm, happy life, and a clean past. No, man, most of us have ran hard and fast against the Lord, either attempting to end our own lives, or just simply not caring at all.

We thrust our middle finger at God, screaming to the sky, “You don’t care about us, so we don’t care about You! I dare You to kill me!”

But God didn’t. In fact, He didn’t even flinch. No, He loved us. Through our hatred, through our rebellion, through our self-destructive habits and through our own versions of Hell.

He loved us.

“Christ died for us when we were unable to help ourselves. We were living against God, but at just the right time Christ died for us. Very few people will die to save the life of someone else, even if it is for a good person. Someone might be willing to die for an especially good person. But Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and by this God showed how much He loves us (Romans 5:6-8 ERV).”

There’s something liberating when you’ve “stood and looked” over the edge, as that Van Halen song says. When you’ve tasted death, when you’ve glared over the precipice of a godless eternity, and survived…when you came that close to the end and lived to tell the tale, and you know it was God who saved you, well…it’s freeing, to be honest.

I know God loves me with a vengeance that is unequaled, and I know He loves you, too. Not only did He refuse to turn his back on me, my family and my friends, but He actually pursued us, wanting to save us, and to gently pull us back from the edge of death.

He saved us from Hell, and thus, we can say…

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever (Psalm 23:4–6 NKJV).”

After my suicide attempt in ARMY basic training, there was a sweet, older nurse who saw how cruel some of the staff and the doctor on duty were being, and took pity on me. On the elevator ride from the E.R. to the psych ward, where I spent two weeks before being sent home to my lovely wife and beautiful little girl, to start my life over, she told me I was going home.

“Home?” I nearly cried. She just smiled, and I could tell she, too, was fighting back tears.

“Yes, dear,” she said gently. “Home.”

That’s what the love of Jesus feels like to my soul.

Home.

* Songwriters: Alex Van Halen / David Roth / Edward Van Halen / Michael Anthony
Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Royalty Network, Songtrust Ave, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.