Tears of Pain and Hope

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt lower than I do right now. Lemme explain:

My third back surgery is in two days, and it will be at least as extensive as the last one. Now, my previous operation was a four-level fusion where they put a cage in my back. The post-op pain was nearly unbearable, but it did pass. Eventually…

So at T-minus 48 hours and counting, I’m consumed with worry, with fear. So, here we are, Lord. I literally have nothing to offer You. At least when I’m working for You, I feel useful, but not now.

I lie here in tears. I’m not allowed to take anything for pain, so I’m in bed and suffering. I COULD say, “At least I have the hope of surgery” or “I’m still better off than most,” but the fact is, this is MY agony, and MY fear. It matters not that it doesn’t measure up to the trials of some.

This trial is MINE, and it’s real.

That post-op pain…man, it’s a killer. It shall pass, as all pain does, but I’m in the midst of worry right now, and it SUCKS. No other way to say it.

All the promises You made me, Lord, but I don’t see any of them. Not a one. I feel like a useless fool, proclaiming hope to so many, when I myself can’t even lift my spirits today.

Why can’t I stop crying? I have so many plans, so many creative endeavors, but right now it’s just You and me, Lord. Perhaps I’ve been working for You so hard that I keep the “current project” more in mind than You.

Maybe I’ve been so busy working for You that I have somehow managed to make “the work” my primary focus. If so, I’m sorry. I don’t really know what I’m saying, honestly. I’m a freaking mess today. This is me, broken, and yet hopeful, somehow.

HOPEFUL? Yeah, I guess so, even though it doesn’t make sense. Well, maybe it does.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

I can offer You nothing, God, and thus, can’t fathom exactly why You love me, but that’s the ONE thing no trial can take from me: Your love.

I’ll never understand Your endless love, but I will continue to praise You in this storm. When my talents, my comfort, my distractions are all taken from me, all I have left is You.

Oh God how I love my distractions! The daily habits which become so entrenched, but I have nothing to distract me now. Only You.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them” (Romans 8:28 NLT).

I’m down now, God, but not down for the count. I’m not finished.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted (like me); He rescues those whose spirits are crushed (like mine). The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time” (Psalms 34:18-19 NLT, notes added).

I whisper a prayer for the hopeless…

I whisper a prayer for the depressed…

I whisper a prayer for those who, like me yesterday, woke up in a cold panic…

I whisper a prayer for the abused and the abuser…

I whisper a prayer for those whose pain feels unbearable today…

For this is all I have; a whispered prayer. From my heart, Jesus, I love You.

And while circumstances seem to hide my reasoning for this, I trust You. So this prayer is for all those in terrible pain today.

Carry us through that pain.

Love us us through that pain.

Give us comfort as we traverse that pain.

And when we ARE through it, may our trials help to build Your Kingdom more effectively.

No suffering is ever in vain. It all serves a purpose.

“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear… The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us” (From Psalms 46 NLT).

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book” (Psalms 56:8 NLT).

Thanks for never leaving my side, God.