I shouldn’t be angry, but I am. I try and talk myself out of it.
“You have a great family,” says I to me. “Good job. Nice car, nice house.”
Yeah well, big deal. I hurt tonight. I have chronic pain; I always hurt, so what’s new?
Nothing. Anyone who suffers chronic ANYTHING–pain, depression, anxiety, fear, fatigue, whatever–knows the roller coaster of emotions you go through.
One moment you’re fine, the next you want the cook fired because he left the onions on your cheeseburger.
One moment you’re fine, the next you wanna crawl into a dark hole somewhere, away from all living creatures, and sleep for about a year.
One moment you’re fine, the next you feel you need a valium or a shot of something just to give you the gumption to get outta bed.
One moment you’re fine, the next you have to drive around the block seven times, music blaring, just to summon the courage to walk in the front door.
I’m having trouble walking tonight. I keep squirming in my recliner because I can’t get comfortable. Makes me wanna scream.
I’ve had two back surgeries and I suffer from four separate and debilitating spinal conditions, all of which apparently had a staff meeting earlier today, deciding the best plan of action was to tap dance on my spine AND my nerves for a few hours.
I’m not alone in my feelings. I’m also in much better shape than some who are reading this. Please forgive me; I’m not trying to say I’m special or worthy of more attention.
But how many of you understand it doesn’t matter HOW much worse off others are than ourselves? The fact that you hurt worse than me doesn’t alleviate or even LESSEN my pain. It’s still my pain. It burns, and it freaking ticks me off some nights.
Yeah, I’m a Christian. I know pain is temporary, but that doesn’t help me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.
I just wanted you to know that. I wanted to tell all of you who are TICKED OFF tonight…I getcha. I understand.
If you live with someone who doesn’t understand your (hopefully OCCASIONAL) mood swings, let ’em read this blog. Tell ’em, “See, it’s not just me!!”
It’s ok to be angry about the suffering. Sometimes. Think of it like a reverse vacation. A short visit is alright, just don’t lease an apartment there.
Stay in that angry place, and you will end up alone. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Plus, that’s a MISERABLE existence, my friend. Work through it and then move on.
There are way better apartments on the other side of town.
I just wanted you to know that.
Bless you for braving the storms.
Bless you for not giving up.