You ever get called into a meeting but have no clue why? Or maybe I could relate this to the first day on a new job: you know you’re going to be doing something, you just have NO CLUE what it is.
This blog is kinda like that. I have a plethora of emotions, and am in a “writing mood,” but have no clue where it’ll end up.
So here goes nothin’.
I’ve suffered depression and chronic pain since I was a teenager. Like 40 years, or nearly that. Pain will make you crazy, as in literally certifiable.
Depression will, too.
What a dichotomy: to have the most wonderful spouse God ever created, and to have kids and grandkids straight from Heaven, and yet have so much hell going on in your mind.
My mom recently sent me this picture:
Check that kid out, man. That’s ME. Check out how happy I was.
Couple things have been eating me up about this pic, though:
1) What was that kid thinking when this was taken?
2) So much joy and innocence in his face. Is it humanly (or should I say “emotionally”) possible to get back that joy?
Life has beat me down, man. It’s beat me down to the ground, and lower. In my spirit I carry DECADES of shadows and darkness that, even as a Christian, are beginning to swallow me up.
I’m bearing my soul cuz I feel like some of you might feel the same, but are too frightened to say, or maybe don’t know how to express it.
It’s not healthy. I watched my Grandma Weddle suffer years and years of verbal and mental abuse from my Grandpa, until one year, her brain couldn’t take anymore.
Her mind slipped away and never returned. But that’s not gonna happen to me, jack. I’m gonna SEEK happiness, and CHASE light and laughter.
I’m going to figure out a way to purge the darkness, not hold it in like Grandma, God bless her.
We can’t let the devil win, my friend. In the name of Jesus, we have to fight the great sadness with every fiber of our being.
Maybe you harbor shadows as well, and if so, might even feel like you’re dying. If so, I’d like to offer this prayer for you:
“Jesus, first of all I want to thank You for all You’ve done for me. I want to praise You for all the many gifts You have given me; for all the blessings. I want to offer a prayer not only for myself, but for my friend reading this. You know the devil wants to slowly drive us insane. You know his tricks, You know his tactics. I want to pray that You help us find Your everlasting light. Embrace us with Your love, God. Bring us out of the shadows and into the light. Help us to release all the darkness which seeks to destroy us. Be with us, God. Be our bright, shining star in the night, Lord. As the poet said, we will not go gentle into that good night. We choose to fight. We will not let the devil win. Save us, Jesus, in Your precious name. Amen.”
Hey, thanks for sticking with me. This is a very difficult time for me, having lost my baby granddaughter a few weeks ago. I feel like, after so many years of suffering, this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of carrying the weight of my past and present struggles. God, help me let ’em go.